Pope's Head on Backwards

It went unnoticed for several minutes during the Blessing Ceremony, but apparently Pope Benedict XVI's head had been stuck on backwards the whole time. Repair to the alien-dominated robot that has taken the place of the Pope, who is now reportedly in a UFO hovering somewhere over New Jersey, was made quickly and efficiently. No one in the extensive crowd considered it odd.

With head correctly on frontwards, the Pope made his way through the crowd to the nearby Gelato stand on the piazza.

Unusual Roast Tops Festivities

Most people don't know this, but it takes very little to roast anything. Merely suspending a roast above an open fire will do the job. This pagan ceremony is held near Moscow every June 28, the celebration of the summer solstice.
Rotate and bast as necessary.

Queen Elizabeth at Summer Camp

Here we see Queen Elizabeth II coming out of her teepee at Camp Winnamonga in upper New York State's Catskill Mountains.
The Queen started her own campfire, cooked some wieners and marshmallows over the campfire, then responsibly doused the fire, buried the ashes and dispersed the ring stones.
Her Majesty is a renowned camper and has camped on the White House lawn as well as in the rose garden of her palatial flat in London's famous West End.
All campers stay in teepees at Camp Winnamonga -- they learn to handle canoes and how to track animals. In this photo, Her Majesty is on the way over to the Nature Hut to play with the new baby elephant, a gift of the Maharaja of Purdistan.

Aliens Attack UK

Aliens resembling those known to be from the Orion Group appeared today all over Great Britain, England and the UK, and proceeded toward the United Kingdom, where they opened packages of frozen yogurt and dried apricots and shared.
When asked why they were here on planet Earth, their leader responded,
"Haven't a clue, old chap. The Big Ones don't tell us anything."
Orions look just enough like earthlings to pass among us with a minor amount of plastic surgery. These two could almost pass with nothing more than a bit of makeup and an earthian costume of some kind.

New Deodorant Stuns Thousands

A new underarm deodorant that actually magnifies the effect of high adrenalin and sweat gland secretions has hit the market and taken thousands by surprise. Witness this demonstration by the man in the red jacket, who has raised his arms for only a few moments. The entire crowd went out like a light; most recovered after a few moments of oxegenation by a rescue team.

McChrystal Exclusive Interview

We scheduled our personal private exclusive interview with General McChrystal, pictured here wearing a fuzzy green Astral Sombrero as he enters the White House lawn...um, what was I saying? Oh, yes...we scheduled our personal private exclusive interview with General McChrystal several weeks ago for this morning, which would have followed his brief interview with President Barack Obama.
Unfortunately, we neglected to notify the general's office of the upcoming event, of which they had no record whatever.
"Maybe we should have sent out an email or something," somebody in my office suggested.
"But we didn't," said somebody else, someone I thought I recognized after several decades.
"Well, what the hell", said somebody in the back of the room, so we all thought, "Yeah, what the hell."
As it turns out, we were right... and now, the sports.

Alien Hairstyle Voted Most Popular

The aliens have it, at least in the realm of hairstyles, this season. The alien look is sweeping the planet, and just about every single hairdresser has seen an enormous increase in demand for the new style.
Alien scissors must be used for the process -- they tend to be expensive, which is why the "do" can cost upwards of U.S. $10,000.00 and in the upscale salons and spas, you might have to pay more.

Feathered Creature Descends on Ascot

This entry into the Royal Ascot brought cheers from an adoring crowd. She is "Peacock" out of "Hen's Teeth" by "Wattle", and is a prize thoroughbred recently purchased from the estate of Dr. Herbert Merriwether, 5th Duke of Earl.

Strangest Horse on the Track

A female jockey rides "Wildfire", the top choice in England's famous Royal Ascot. Wildfire is out of "Safety Pin" by "Scratch Me". New electric blue uniform is now the standard for jockeys...the pin-stripe is out.

Soccer Dominated by Aliens From Outer Space

Clearly these are aliens who have arrived on Earth to view the 2010 World Cup Group B Soccer Match between Argentina and Korea, at Soccer City stadium in Johannesburg. They have just devoured a soccer ball prior to photograph, and now await fans.

My Mom Was An Alien

It's not generally known, but I'm a product of alien/human interbreeding, and it has profoundly affected my life in several important ways.

1. I can't vote. It's not that they won't let me... my off-world senses don't tell me which crook is the lesser of two evils.
2. I can't work without a green card, and they won't issue one to off-worlders like myself -- I wasn't born, I was hatched -- and with pods instead of fingers, it's hard to type -- maybe gardening?
3. The only work I can get these days is waiting tables at the A'LE'Inn here in Rachel, Nevada, just a few miles from our vehicle's crash site at Area 51.
4. I can't find clothing to fit me, except these t-shirts, and without a tie and jacket I can't get into any of the great disco clubs around town.
5. I have no security clearance, so I can't use the rest room.

Is the Geico Lizard actually Australian?

As the foremost psychic of my time, I can answer the question of whether Mallory, the Geico lizard, is or is not Australian. He is not. He is originally a New Zealander who crossed over into Australia on the Melbourne-Christchurch landbridge sometime in the late 1980s, then emigrated to London's West End where he embarked on a theatrical career on the live stage before accepting a lead commercial role from his close friend and financial advisor, Warren Buffet, Chairman and CEO of Berkshire Hathaway.

Warren Buffet and me, behind the lizard cage at the Bronx Zoo

Mallory has a touch of cockney accent due to his schooling in Yemen, along with classmate Eddie Izzard, often referred to as "Izzard the Lizard" by school chums, both of whom have strong television and youtube followings.

Like Izzard, Mallory the Geiko Lizard actually speaks several languages, including French, German, Italian, Swiss, Thousand Island and Green Goddess.

Me on the left, Eddie Izzard on the right, somewhere in New South Lizzard, formerly New South Whales.

Beyonce The Grave

Ever wonder what lies Beyonce the Grave? Jay-Z knows, and he's not telling. They visited their good friend, amateur rapper and wannabe psychic medium President Barack Obama at the White House yesterday, and Hova felt pretty comfortable in the presence of the Presidential Seal, which as usual, ate all the fish.

Unfortunately, the fish was straight out of the Gulf, and it slipped out of the seal's mouth and onto the floor.

As a practicing psychic, I can easily predict that Bey and Jay will soon announce their candidacy, with Tina Knowles and Trey Songs on their cabinet. It's just a matter of time before President Beyonce and First Man Shawn Corey Carter are elected to handle the Gulf Waters mess. Mariah and Rihanna are waiting their turn at the highest political office, and according to my latest Horoscope and Tarot readings, they will each get their turn. I would have entered the ring myself, except that as an alien from a distant parallel universe, I'm considered ineligible for the office.

Here I am with my good friend, Barack Obama, in the Oval Office -- But I am NOT a candidate!!!

Gary Coleman Is Alive & Well

Gary Coleman is just another of my recently deceased friends. When he came over to This Side of the Veil, he sent me a text message that he'll be over to the house this morning for breakfast, which is always about 6 am so I can get to work on time. I have a day job at a Fortune Cookie factory, writing fortunes on little pieces of paper.

Gary says he's a little pissed at Shannon Price for consuming all the bacon last time they were here, but what the hell, Shannon's been like that ever since Gary turned down that used car salesman job after Diff'rent Strokes got flushed down the toilet by the network.

"All she cares about is the money," Gary told me when we were sitting around the breakfast table a week ago last Sunday. "What I really want to do is visit the planet Saturn...I hate Madison Wisconsin." I have to agree with Gary on this one, having been there once myself in a wicked thunderstorm back in June of 1957.

"What are all these rumors about my death?" Gary texted me. "IDK" I texted back. "IGGP", he replied, and went AFK for a couple minutes. "PLOTKA" he texted when he got back on. I laughed, and replied, "RUS?"..."TTTHFAL" and we clocked off. I'll ask him exactly what he meant over breakfast tomorrow, but I doubt I'll actually get the point. I prolly would dig it, but we don't talk over breakfast, we sit there, stare at each other and text at the table. Well, (ISH) "ILICISCOMK" and now, "IOH" ima play a bit of Team Fortress 2 before I go totally AFK.

Johnny Depp Night Sighting

There I was, well on my way to the Astral Equity Masquerade Ball high up on the Akashic levels, with a First-Class ticket on the Astral Plane -- I always like to sit near the left wing because my parents were ardent liberals -- and there he was, Johnny Depp!!! I couldn't believe my Astral Vision! I got his autograph on the back of my Astral Plane ticket, but of course it can't be seen in the Organic World, so I didn't include a photo of it, but I'm going to post it on my Astral Bulletin Board, so if you're OUT THERE tonight, stop by my Astral Board and check it out.

Johnny Depp is my absolute rave fave pirate guy except for Robert Newton, who did the very first real pirate thing in Kidnapped and Treasure Island, the Disney versions, I mean.

So where were YOU last night? Take the Astral Plane to Paris tonight if you want to catch Johnny Depp. He's like so ready to sign autographs. Bring a Spirit Pen.

What Does Lady Gaga Do At Night?

Have you ever wondered what Lady Gaga does at night? Well, wonder no more. I've seen her several nights in a row now, while Astral Traveling, and I can tell you where she goes and what she does.

First she floats off into the Kirlian Sphere. No big deal there, who doesn't, when they're halfway between waking and sleeping.

But then she goes whirling off into Limbo, where she hangs out for a few minutes while she's sorting out her Astral Agenda, then she's off again...

Three nights ago, it was Mars, Jupiter, Saturn -- the usual places you'd expect to see Lady Gaga in her Astral Body.

Same thing two nights ago...but then, last night, she suddenly whizzes off to Cygni 61, a visual binary at about 10 light-years from Earth. It's sometimes called Bessel's Star, and you can find it in the constellation Cygnus, with a moderate telescope at about magnitude 5.5 or 6. There have been reports of a large planet in her system, but these have been labeled erroneous. Actually, there's a small rocky planet about Earth-sized in orbit around Cygni 61, and the night-life is said to be absolutely outrageous, totally. Well, I didn't go any closer than about a half a light year, figuring I'd get pulled into the binary gravity field, and I lost track of Lady Gaga for about two and a half hours, after which she came zipping up and past me toward Earth.

I totally forget to get her cell # so I could text her about this, so Lady Gaga, if you're reading this, please text me, I so want to know about that little planet. Do they disco?