Feathered Creature Descends on Ascot

This entry into the Royal Ascot brought cheers from an adoring crowd. She is "Peacock" out of "Hen's Teeth" by "Wattle", and is a prize thoroughbred recently purchased from the estate of Dr. Herbert Merriwether, 5th Duke of Earl.

Strangest Horse on the Track

A female jockey rides "Wildfire", the top choice in England's famous Royal Ascot. Wildfire is out of "Safety Pin" by "Scratch Me". New electric blue uniform is now the standard for jockeys...the pin-stripe is out.

Soccer Dominated by Aliens From Outer Space

Clearly these are aliens who have arrived on Earth to view the 2010 World Cup Group B Soccer Match between Argentina and Korea, at Soccer City stadium in Johannesburg. They have just devoured a soccer ball prior to photograph, and now await fans.

My Mom Was An Alien

It's not generally known, but I'm a product of alien/human interbreeding, and it has profoundly affected my life in several important ways.

1. I can't vote. It's not that they won't let me... my off-world senses don't tell me which crook is the lesser of two evils.
2. I can't work without a green card, and they won't issue one to off-worlders like myself -- I wasn't born, I was hatched -- and with pods instead of fingers, it's hard to type -- maybe gardening?
3. The only work I can get these days is waiting tables at the A'LE'Inn here in Rachel, Nevada, just a few miles from our vehicle's crash site at Area 51.
4. I can't find clothing to fit me, except these t-shirts, and without a tie and jacket I can't get into any of the great disco clubs around town.
5. I have no security clearance, so I can't use the rest room.

Is the Geico Lizard actually Australian?

As the foremost psychic of my time, I can answer the question of whether Mallory, the Geico lizard, is or is not Australian. He is not. He is originally a New Zealander who crossed over into Australia on the Melbourne-Christchurch landbridge sometime in the late 1980s, then emigrated to London's West End where he embarked on a theatrical career on the live stage before accepting a lead commercial role from his close friend and financial advisor, Warren Buffet, Chairman and CEO of Berkshire Hathaway.

Warren Buffet and me, behind the lizard cage at the Bronx Zoo

Mallory has a touch of cockney accent due to his schooling in Yemen, along with classmate Eddie Izzard, often referred to as "Izzard the Lizard" by school chums, both of whom have strong television and youtube followings.

Like Izzard, Mallory the Geiko Lizard actually speaks several languages, including French, German, Italian, Swiss, Thousand Island and Green Goddess.

Me on the left, Eddie Izzard on the right, somewhere in New South Lizzard, formerly New South Whales.

Beyonce The Grave

Ever wonder what lies Beyonce the Grave? Jay-Z knows, and he's not telling. They visited their good friend, amateur rapper and wannabe psychic medium President Barack Obama at the White House yesterday, and Hova felt pretty comfortable in the presence of the Presidential Seal, which as usual, ate all the fish.

Unfortunately, the fish was straight out of the Gulf, and it slipped out of the seal's mouth and onto the floor.

As a practicing psychic, I can easily predict that Bey and Jay will soon announce their candidacy, with Tina Knowles and Trey Songs on their cabinet. It's just a matter of time before President Beyonce and First Man Shawn Corey Carter are elected to handle the Gulf Waters mess. Mariah and Rihanna are waiting their turn at the highest political office, and according to my latest Horoscope and Tarot readings, they will each get their turn. I would have entered the ring myself, except that as an alien from a distant parallel universe, I'm considered ineligible for the office.

Here I am with my good friend, Barack Obama, in the Oval Office -- But I am NOT a candidate!!!

Gary Coleman Is Alive & Well

Gary Coleman is just another of my recently deceased friends. When he came over to This Side of the Veil, he sent me a text message that he'll be over to the house this morning for breakfast, which is always about 6 am so I can get to work on time. I have a day job at a Fortune Cookie factory, writing fortunes on little pieces of paper.

Gary says he's a little pissed at Shannon Price for consuming all the bacon last time they were here, but what the hell, Shannon's been like that ever since Gary turned down that used car salesman job after Diff'rent Strokes got flushed down the toilet by the network.

"All she cares about is the money," Gary told me when we were sitting around the breakfast table a week ago last Sunday. "What I really want to do is visit the planet Saturn...I hate Madison Wisconsin." I have to agree with Gary on this one, having been there once myself in a wicked thunderstorm back in June of 1957.

"What are all these rumors about my death?" Gary texted me. "IDK" I texted back. "IGGP", he replied, and went AFK for a couple minutes. "PLOTKA" he texted when he got back on. I laughed, and replied, "RUS?"..."TTTHFAL" and we clocked off. I'll ask him exactly what he meant over breakfast tomorrow, but I doubt I'll actually get the point. I prolly would dig it, but we don't talk over breakfast, we sit there, stare at each other and text at the table. Well, (ISH) "ILICISCOMK" and now, "IOH" ima play a bit of Team Fortress 2 before I go totally AFK.